Words Matter

Have you ever said something and felt like you’re invisible?

Me too.

I think that’s why I wrote the play BIRTH

because so many pregnant mamas who thought they said

NO

to an intervention weren’t listened to.

When I interviewed these women I heard their

NO voice

loud and clear.

I put their NO voices center stage in my play

and audiences heard them too.

Why didn’t hospital staff hear them?

I just found the answer in this video.

You’ve gottta watch it now.

This video blew my birth-socks off.

Click on it and watch.

Here’s my major take away:

if the way you’re saying something is not getting results

– not making ya rich -

then find another way to say it.

Whoa.

A simple prescription that packs a lot of power.

But how do we get pregnant moms to “drink the cool aid”

to find a way of saying NO

that gets results?

In my childbirth prep training program for birth professionals

we teach role-playing

or as we call it, “Theater-Telling.”

We get pregnant moms practicing what they’re going to

say.

When I saw this video I thought,

 WOW,

wouldn’t it be fun to teach a childbirth ed class

that modeled this exact video?

Here’s how I’d teach it:

Let’s say a woman comes into your childbirth ed class

and she’s going through a

challenging moment with her care provider.

·      Get her to write the words she wants to say to her care provider on a piece of cardboard

·      Have her sit on the “street” with it next to her

·      then have everyone in the class give her coins if  they think her sign effectively communicates what she wants to say 

·      Then people in the class are asked to rewrite her sign on another piece of cardboard to make it more effective.

·      Again, the class walks by and gives coins related to how effective her new sign communicates what she wants to say.

·      For each sign the number of coins are calculated and the sign that got the most coins is considered the most effective words.

This would totally rock

my fun and educational barometer.

I think every birth professional

who is a visionary

knows that

words matter.

But here’s my point:

We can lecture soon-to-be parents about it

or we can

ENGAGE them

in the problem

and coming up with solutions.

It’s amazing how

just changing one’s words

can change any experience.

Sure, maternity care providers need to

change their words too.

But their words are not in our control.

Our words are our power wands.

Let’s use ‘em.

I want to hear from you. In what ways are you moving pregnant moms to take responsibility for their births? How are you getting them to recognize that their words matter? Share your comments below.

Confessions of a Doula Groupie

Ten years ago when my kids were babies I spent two weekends training to be a doula.

My mother couldn’t even pronounce the word and still had no idea what a doula was even after I explained that

A doula is like a labor coach for pregnant women.

A WHAT?, she asked.

As I head off to the DONA conference this week to

INSPIRE doulas

to keep the Birth Visionary light on,

and teach them tools to ignite every pregnant woman in the knowing that

she is the protagonist of her birth journey

and - for the doula - that she too is the architect of her

HERO'S JOURNEY,

my body builds with juicy-ness at just

BEING IN THE ROOM WITH SO MANY FREAKING AWESOME DOULAS.

I think I’ll always have

Doula envy.

I'm a wannabe doula.

I just love everything about 'em

Being of unconditional service to women, 

A commitment to ignite every pregnant mother 

to listen to her

MY BODY ROCKS inner growls,

and every doula's fierce collective passion for birth being safe and humane.

But ultimately my path was not to be a doula.

I was supposed to hold the birth vision-ista torch a different way.

By writing a play. And starting a movement.

Still, every time I’m with a doula I’ve got major

DOULA ENVY.

When the play was just taking off at every location I went to I

Always

spent an evening with local doulas.

Why?

Because if you want to know the

TRUTH

about birth

then just ask a doula.

It wasn’t surprising to me that DOULAS are the reason the play BIRTH exploded.

Virtually every doula’s response when she sees the play is:

Yes, this is exactly what’s happening in childbirth today.

And then they go make productions of BIRTH happen.

All over the world.

Doulas are the ultimate community organizers.

Planting seeds for the empowerment of women.

Maybe that's why I enjoy their

SISTERHOOD

so much.

As I head off to the DONA conference this coming weekend,

Preparing to hang with a tidal wave of cool doulas,

I wonder if what I've called 

DOULA ENVY

for a long time

is more than that.

Maybe I’m a DOULA GROUPIE.

Yep, that’s it.

I just want to be around the sexy energy of doulas.

I want to wave "I Love You!" placards at them behind barricades

and SCREAM when I see really well known doulas and birth visionaries

like Debra Pascali Bonaro

and try to get a hug and email addresses from the not-so famous doulas

so I can keep close to their

SEDUCTIVE

MAGICAL energy

and offer fist bumps when they assist 3 women in 10 days to have the

BIRTHS OF THEIR LIVES.

Funny,

when I first wrote my play I had to define what a doula was.

I’m stoked that today the word

“DOULA” IS IN THE DICTIONARY.

I no longer have to explain my doula groupie-ness to people.

Just this week I told several people I am going to a conference with doulas

from around the world

and they get it.

"That's amazing," a friend who has never given birth said.

Even my mother gets it.

Imagine that.

Have a confession about doulas - being one, lovin' one? Share your comments here. And if you're on twitter be join me in giving shout-out tweets to the doulas at DONA this weekend. Use #DONA12 so we know you're tweeting! :)

Ina May, The New York Times, and Me

I’ve been waiting a long time to write this blog post.

Did you catch the New York Time’s profile of Ina May in their Sunday Magazine?

It wasn’t a surprising piece given the recent rise in articles proclaiming midwives as not only a smart, but hip option for pregnant women.

But when I saw the piece I thought: It's about time.

Okay, the piece wasn’t brilliant.

And the subtitle of Ina May being an “evangelical home birth advocate” doesn’t resonate with me. Ina May is evangelical, but she’s evangelical about birth being SAFE & HUMANE.

But wording aside, when I saw the Ina May piece and the editor's name who brought it to life - Ilene Silverman - I flashed back to a story I thought I’d never tell.

Ya see, I don’t believe in media bashing.

If I told this story when I first wrote my play BIRTH that’s what it would be.

But now it’s different.

This is not about slinging mud at the media.

It’s about TRUTH TELLING.

The story begins eight years ago in a Features Writing class I took at the Writers Center in Bethesda, Maryland.

Chairs as hard as cement.

Ten writers sitting around a retangular Formica table.

Our teacher Denise coaxing every inch of journalist out of us.

“I have an idea for a great story,” I announced to the class. “I want to write about the childbirth crisis in America.”

Icky Dead Silence (IDS).

“I have interviewed around eighty women so far about their birth experiences and done lots of research that supports a disturbing trend in maternity care to promote and push over medicalized births on mothers.”

More IDS.

“There are human rights abuses going on.”

All heads except for Denise slow-motion down, a flock of journalists staring at the Formica.

“Really?” Denise responded. “Tell us more.”

So I did.

The c-section rate at the time in the United States was 25% and rising.

Naomi Wolf had just shown in her new book that a disturbing number of privileged mothers were having “ordinary bad birth experiences.”

My primary research supported this claim.

“I want to write a piece that tells people the truth about the maternity care crisis today,” I explained.

Again, IDS.

Then Denise spoke:

“This sounds important and you sound like the person to write it.”

I knew she was right, but I had just gone knocking on doors and calling every editor I could reach.

 No one was biting.

“I have a colleague,” Denise told me. “Let me put you in touch.”

Enter New York Times editor Ilene Silverman.

Denise helped me craft a seriously kick butt query letter for Ms. Silverman, who at the time was a young editor at The New York Times Magazine.

Bingo!

Ilene wanted it.

In fact, she was pregnant which gave her the perfect sense of wonder and journalistic hunger to make me think, we got this.

I'm blowing the whistle on this topic.

Ilene got me to write more - a whole lot more. Before a piece from a freelancer is comissioned it takes months to provide enough data to convince senior editors.

It took me three months. I produced a 25-page query letter-com-tomb of juicy information, primary interviews, research stats, etc.

We were good to go.

I waited.

Hey, this was The New York Times.

I would wait until my first-born got to college if I had to.

Really, I only waited about a month.

“My senior editor won’t do it,” Ms. Silverman emails me.

What?

“He said he thinks childbirth has already been done by The New York Times.”

WHAT?

Did she mean "done" as in that recent article the weekday edition of The New York Times had buried in the metro section on the popularity of hypnobirthing among New York City women?

There was NOT ONE BIT OF INFORMATION

in the New York Times

on the childbirth crisis in America.

I told this to Ilene.

Major IDS.

“I’m sorry,” Ilene tells me.

“That’s too bad,” Denise says.

Maybe.

But maybe not.

Because of that New York Times rejection

I stopped knocking on the doors of editors

and wrote a play.

About birth.

Called BIRTH.

And started a  very BOLD movement.

Boy, am I grateful for that rejection.

In every tragic moment there is magic.

We may not see it then

But it is there

WHISPERING:

Keep going.

You CAN & MUST do it.

Do you hear what’s WHISPERing in you?

Everyone who works for change

who goes against the grain

who TELLS THE TRUTH

receives setbacks.

It’s how we handle them,

how we LISTEN & RESPOND

that makes the difference

between just having a dream

and making your dream a reality.

For me, after I got rejected by The New York Times, I stopped and listened to my whispers.

Write a play.

And then I responded.

Leave a comment and tell me about a tough moment when you could have thrown away your birth dream but didn't.

Sometimes the “knock downs” can be the best thing we receive.

It was for me.

_ _ _

PS: Years later Denise became a producer at The Diane Rehm show for National Public Radio. Last year because of her she was one of the first high profile media outlets to book Ina May as a guest. Just a little more magic in the tragic. :)

Because It Gets Results

This morning my older son, who turned 13 last month, noticed something on his face.

“It’s a pimple!” his younger brother exclaimed. “Use Pro-activ!”

What?

“Use Pro-activ!”

How did he know about Pro-Activ pimple cream?

Not surprisingly, television.

“Justin Beiber uses it,” he tells me.

You’ve got to give me a better reason than that, I tell him.

“Then people should use it because it gets results,” he says.

How do you know?

“They show before and after pictures on the commercial.”

Results.

Before & after photos.

My birth flood gate opens and all I can think about is

WHAT IF.

What if we showed women honest, clear RESULTS of giving birth?

Of course YOU NEVER KNOW about anything in life.

Pimples included.

Sometimes Pro-Activ works, sometimes it doesn’t.

But after millions of people have used it we do know the LIKELIHOOD of it working.

Just like birth.

We know the likely RESULTS of giving birth without interventions and using interventions.

We have a ridiculous number of BEFORE & AFTER photos, personal stories, and more.

Just Google it.

So what if we did a commercial and like Pro-Active we tell everybody that you can

ROCK YOUR BIRTH

And like any pimple cream, drug,

- Really, anything in life –

There’s a warning that says:

This may have side effects, it may not work, but in most people it does. In fact, it’s common sense. No or low interventions with a support team that trusts birth = a positive birth experience for you and your baby.

Imagine how much quicker the birth paradigm would shift.

Hospitals & doctors might even endorse it.

Kids will tell their mothers to do it "because it gets results.”

And if Justin Beiber’s wife-to-be uses it well then, 

it’s a slam-dunk.